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Last night, I read an opinion article in BYU-I’s newspaper as I waited for Brian to finish work. The article addressed newly married women and the sacred responsibility of bringing children into this world. If you know anything about the Mormon culture (especially in Rexburg), the writer’s stance should come as no surprise. But this writer went beyond merely emphasizing the importance of marriage and motherhood– the bulk of this article made a strong statement in support of having babies immediately after getting married. The writer made her stance very clear when she quoted President Spencer W. Kimball:

It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so.

Now, to make it clear, official church doctrine does not prohibit birth control, and prophets have repeatedly told us that “The decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife.” (lds.org)

I do not find fault with the counsel given by church leaders, but I very much disagree with the way the Mormon culture here misinterprets the doctrines. There is SO much pressure to get married and make babies here. The dropout rate among women here is staggering – and justified? Generally speaking, I find this unsettling. But I understand that education is a personal choice, so I have to respect that…
I also understand that bearing children is a very sacred, personal choice. One should not feel pressured into this lifelong calling – it is something to be considered strictly between man and wife. Everyone outside that should respect this too.

It is strange to think that I’m in a position where I could take this so personally. Until last year, I had a hard time imagining even getting married, let alone having children. The reality of this opportunity has yet to fully sink in, honestly. For the most part, it feels like my husband and I are just best friends who happen to share the same bed. The topic of parenting comes up on occasion, but always in the hypothetical. It’s the same as talking of the future day when we will build a house with a movie theater in it.

Someday I will be a mother, but that day is not now. I am not being selfish by postponing motherhood, and I should not have to feel pressured into this lifelong calling by an over-zealous culture. I strongly believe it is better to lay a strong foundation for a family now, rather than rushing into parenthood prematurely. Having health insurance wouldn’t hurt either…

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An apostle came to speak at our stake conference today – that makes three in the past three weeks! I only mention that because towards the end, as he gave an apostolic blessing to the congregation, the words he spoke and the spirit I felt brought tears to my eyes. He mentioned how there were some of us sitting there who came from families of abuse or dysfunction, then assured us that those scars would heal. I thought about the pain I’ve felt in the past, and felt the spirit’s assurance that I could heal. I thought of the joy I feel with Brian and how sweet it is to have a loving, righteous husband. Tears started to stream down my face as I felt the comfort and peace wash over me. Although stake conference was much earlier than church usually is for us, I’m so glad we made it. So many words spoken today were just what I needed to hear. It was a great start to Valentine’s Day.

When we got home, Brian opened his belated birthday presents from me – the new Jim Gaffigan DVD and Disney’s Up! – we watched the first DVD while eating leftover Chicken Castellina, then cuddled and took a nap. I woke up early and slipped out of bed so I could finish my Valentine’s gift. I then tiptoed back into bed and presented him with my not-so-perfect homemade gift – a mini photo book I Photoshopped that listed so many things I love about him. (Aww)

This is only the second year I’ve had a Valentine, and the first that I’ve been married, so the novelty of being in love has yet to wear off. I remember so many years of enduring Valentine’s alone, making sarcastic remarks about just how cheesy this holiday was… but now? Well, I suppose I have been converted. But I see it more as a day to celebrate love in all it’s forms – not just romantic. I’m grateful for the love of my friends and family as well. My life wouldn’t be complete otherwise.

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Recently, my mind has been weighed down with thoughts of fate and faith. I’m a lot like my father in many ways- very analytical, even cynical when the occasion warrants it. I take pride in the strengths I’ve inherited from my father, and yet…
My father, along with many others near and dear to my heart, have all chosen at some point to walk away from their faith. Now, mind you, nothing I say is meant to judge them in any way. I’m only trying to explain the context for my concerns. I’ve observed so many who share my affinity for analyzing. They reflect characteristics I see in myself, or want to follow. So naturally, when I see them choose doubt over faith, I have to really pause and wonder- could I fall away too?
Brian and I talked about this late last night. I confessed my concerns, and he did his part trying to reassure me that I still had a choice, that I need not worry so much. I confess, sometimes I analyze a bit too much- but I think my concern is well grounded. I need to be aware of the ways I am spiritually vulnerable, so I can guard against attacks that may arise.
I tend to focus so much on trying to understand others, and so I spent a lot of time trying to understand the reasons why one would choose to lose faith. One reason, I believe, is when you choose to rely more on your own understanding (or lack) – something we all struggle with at some point in our lives. There are times when we are brought to the very edge, blinded by the darkness- and told to take a leap. It is very easy, and natural, to withdraw or remain frozen, unable to exercise the faith we need. This is especially true when we’ve felt abandoned by those we loved. I know there have been many times when I’ve felt betrayed, and it was easier to harbor bitterness and distance myself. The same applies to faith.
In every case, however, I have looked back at my bitterness with regret. We may think that by distancing ourselves, we are somehow justified, but the distance is ultimately self-defeating. If we harbor doubt toward everything, how can we believe in ourselves?
As I spoke with Brian, it occurred to me that Christ was bombarded with doubters- Sadducees and Pharisees who challenged his divinity- but he never lost sight of who he was. He was (and is) the Son of God. No abuse he endured or scoffing he heard could diminish that. He chose to suffer for our sins and our sorrows, to literally feel the weight of the world upon his shoulders. But why? What was his motivation?
I believe it was love. Love is the strongest, most compelling force for good. It brings the greatest joy and fiercest pain. I still struggle at times, but I am striving to make love a motivating force in my life, unconditional and unwavering. On that same token, my love for God is stronger than any temptation to doubt. Sometimes, I just need to remind myself of this.

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On January 29th, President Obama made a bold move and spoke at a GOP Conference in Baltimore. He made some interesting remarks, including this one on health care reform:

“The component parts of this thing  are pretty similar to what Howard Baker, Bob Dole and Tom Daschle proposed at the beginning of this debate last year. Now, you may not agree with Bob Dole and Howard Baker and Tom — and certainly you don’t agree with Tom Daschle on much …

(LAUGHTER)

… but that’s not a radical bunch. But if you were to listen to the debate, and, frankly, how some of you went after this bill, you’d think that this thing was some Bolshevik plot.

(LAUGHTER)

No, I mean, that’s how you guys — that’s how you guys presented it.

And so I’m thinking to myself, “Well, how is it that a plan that is pretty centrist …”

…I’m not suggesting that we’re going to agree on everything, whether it’s on health care or energy or what have you, but if the way these issues are being presented by the Republicans is that this is some wild-eyed plot to impose huge government in every aspect of our lives, what happens is you guys then don’t have a lot of room to negotiate with me.

I mean, the fact of the matter is is that many of you, if you voted with the administration on something, are politically vulnerable in your own base, in your own party. You’ve given yourselves very little room to work in a bipartisan fashion because what you’ve been telling your constituents is, “This guy’s doing all kinds of crazy stuff that’s going to destroy America.”

And I — I would just say that we have to think about tone.

It’s not just on your side, by the way. It’s — it’s on our side as well. This is part of what’s happened in our politics, where we demonize the other side so much that when it comes to actually getting things done, it becomes tough to do.”

I suppose if you wanted to pick apart what’s wrong with politics today, you could make a list a mile long, but this quote emphasizes a flaw (on both sides) that has really bothered me lately. The more I watch the news, the more I recognize how childish a lot of public figures act. Pride plays a huge part in that. It seems everyone is playing the “blame game” and no one is actually working together to bring about real change.

Now, I understand what it’s like to be stubborn about your ideals. But at what point does that idealistic attitude cross the threshold and turn to pride? How can we recognize the difference between integrity and blind allegiance? Any thoughts?

PS – To read the full text of the President’s Q&A session, click here.

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Over the past week, my emotions have hit both sides of the spectrum. My spirit felt smothered by Satan’s dark clouds as I read over a vindictive e-mail against Muslims. Then, as I watched the benefit for Haiti on television, tears of compassion welled up from a spring I didn’t even know existed. For once, my cynicism was hushed long enough for me to truly appreciate the charity being shown by so many, at a time of desperate need. It’s awful to think of all the catastrophes in the world, the hurt and sorrow that will continue to unfold in the days and years ahead, but it brings out goodness in others. I’m grateful for that. Witnessing acts of charity is healing for the soul.

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