She locked away a secret, deep inside herself, something she once knew to be true… but chose to forget.
Cobb, Inception

Secrets can be like rust, slowly eating away at your soul until you are just a shell, a shadow of your former self. I know about these sorts of secrets. I held one myself. And I convinced myself that I could never reveal this secret, this seed of shame planted so deeply within. To reveal myself would mean utter ruin.

But then, the impossible happened. I found someone who taught me the real meaning of trust. To feel a love so secure, so sure that nothing could break it. Still, my revelation did not come overnight. It took over a year to finally break down, to take that leap of faith. And the crazy thing is, this shame – this shadow that had grown so much over the years – when I finally let it out, it wasn’t nearly as big as I thought.

Instead of facing utter ruin, I felt love surging through every inch of me, like a warm blanket wrapped around me on a cold winter’s night. I felt free. I felt love like I never imagined before.

Some secrets are meant to be shared.

There’s a series on the History channel called Ancient Aliens- which I love to scoff at, yet still find myself compelled by curiosity to watch. So watch I did, for ten minutes or so, long enough to get the gist of this fantastical theory. Over 40 years ago, Erich von Däniken published a book called “Chariot of the Gods”. In this book, he suggested that aliens visited our world thousands of years ago to impart advanced technology and religion upon us. He used religious texts as evidence – arguing that these “heavenly messengers” in the Bible and other religious books were really just aliens from outer space. The book was a bestseller, so either people found it a fascinating piece of fiction or they really did buy into this crazy idea. Probably a bit of both.
In that same episode, another professed “expert” suggested the aliens were actually just our future selves, traveling back in time to prepare us for a cataclysmic future (present? past?) encounter…

Why are so many people drawn to ideas like this, yet scoff at religion and faith? It seems to me this alien theory is harder to swallow than believing that Christ actually did come to Earth… yet to even suggest that is taboo. Heaven forbid. (Pun intended). I feel like a hypocrite because I do align myself with scientific/rational thought in many ways, but that’s ok. I embrace my hypocrisy. I honestly do believe science and religion actually can work together, but both have been distorted so badly that it is hard to reconcile them at the moment.

Some of the events that occurred over this past weekend shall remain vague/undisclosed, since I’d prefer to keep a “G” rating on this blog…

I had a family reunion near Ririe this weekend. Fortunately, Brian and I live close enough that we could make a drive down for the meals and still return home to sleep in our comfortable beds. It was on the drive home that evening that I saw the most “natural/unnatural” merger… ::sigh:: I miss my innocence in some ways…

Later that night, we joined my cousin and his fiance and friends for a bonfire. It was my first time out to the dunes, so I really had no idea what the rules or regulations were. None of us were aware that we had setup the bonfire outside the legally designated area, wherever that was. The fact that we were burning plastic and pallets full of nails didn’t help our case either… I feel more guilty for not speaking up about that, since I had a sneaking suspicion it wasn’t ok to burn pallets with nails in them. Alas, the park ranger that wandered into our camp that night was NOT a welcome visitor. We ended up packing the rest of the wood and splitting a ticket for $125. Several people griped about it, but our ignorance of the law didn’t mean we were immune from the consequences.

Oh, and Brian got a call while we were at the dunes, with what has turned into a very random job opportunity. Neither of us are quite sure how his new employer got Brian’s contact info- either way, he had to get a drug test on Saturday and show up for work Monday morning at 6:45 am. It’s funny too- I was so upset a couple weeks ago, when Brian basically got shafted out of a full-time position on campus. This random new job makes $4 more an hour and is much more flexible as far as scheduling goes – in other words, a GREAT blessing… It’s a good thing Brian handled the lost job opportunity so much better than I did! He continues to be a wonderful example to me in so many ways…

So on Saturday morning, Brian got his drug test. Clean, of course (so good to confirm the obvious). We missed breakfast at the reunion, so Brian wanted to run by Sonic- but alas, the whole place was torn down when we drove by! It seemed like they closed down overnight… so sad… We settled for a bite at McDonald’s instead, then drove back out to my great aunt’s farm for the reunion. Brian wandered off to go shooting with the boys while I made origami paper cranes with the women folk. We were trying to fold 1000 cranes for an aunt with cancer, some sort of good luck token I think. I pretty much got p’wned by a twelve year old – it took a lot of tutoring to fold one. Brian returned when the lunch bell rang, then after lunch, we took a walk out in the woods. Brian and I watched the cows herd themselves and found an old tree swing that had been there since I was a kid. In the past, I’d often wander those woods alone. I enjoy the solitude, the time to be alone with my thoughts, but walking with Brian was definitely more enjoyable. In some ways, I really feel like I’m walking with my other half, an extension of myself, so I can still feel the fulfillment of solitude even though I’m not technically alone.

After our long walk in the woods, we gathered under the eaves of my aunt’s cabin to learn more about the genealogy of my Mormon pioneer ancestors. It’s really cool to hear the hint of an attitude my ancestor had as she crossed the plains toward Utah. There was an older English gentleman in the camp who lost his sense of smell and brought a skinned skunk back to camp. They also talked about trying to gather family history online, maybe create a website where every family member could contribute. I was shy to speak up, but someone overheard Brian and I talking tech stuff and word soon got out that I was a web designer. I exchanged info with a cousin who works for Hostgator (a web host). So now I have to figure out the best way to create a website even the elderly can navigate.

Brian helped cook Dutch Oven chicken and potatoes for dinner that night, and basically fell in love with dutch oven cooking. One more thing to put on his wish list… On our way home, I was awed by the sweeping green landscape. I remember falling in love with downtown Seattle in the same way – opening my eyes and feeling a sudden rush of energy at the beauty that surrounded me. Strange, how that’s happened in two very different settings. Can I be in love with the city AND the country – without being a hypocrite? I guess there’s something to love about every environment, you just have to know where to look…
(That said, I still miss Seattle something fierce!)

Nothing like a near-death experience to help you really appreciate how fragile and fleeting life can be…

Earlier this morning, I went inner-tubing down a creek for a ward activity. Brian had to go to a study group for his final, so I was the only one there without a spouse. Just getting there was a trial in itself – one wrong turn and we were wandering the side roads of Rigby for an hour! We finally got there and plunged into the ice cold creek, only to discover the creek split in two. I was in the front at that point, and since I didn’t know which way to go, I chose the path that looked calmer. Little did I know…

Half the group went the other way and pretty much disappeared from view for the rest of the trip. I was still leading the group that floated left, self-satisfied with the big stick I found and used as my paddle. I could hear the rushing of water ahead, but didn’t think too much of it. I noticed a duck floating in that direction and thought it must be safe if that duck wasn’t disturbed. About a quarter mile later though, I could see the rushing waters were actually a 4 foot drop of rapids. I was too close at that point to paddle towards the shore, and – stupid me – thought I was in for a bit of a rocky ride, but nothing too terrible. Boy, was I wrong!

When I got to the edge of the waterfall, I started to realize the danger and desperately grabbed at the log on the side, but it was too late. The rapids pulled me and the inner-tube under, and I got caught in the undercurrents of the rapids. The first couple times I tried to gasp towards the surface, I was dragged back under. I couldn’t get a solid grip of the floor with my sandals on, so I kicked them off and finally, my foot found a rock solid enough to launch me upwards. It took all my strength to propel my body forward and out of the strong current of churning water. My sandals were sad victims, but at least I survived!

“In every dispensation, failure to act on principles which they promised and covenanted to observe, the most important being the law of love, has brought to an end the felicity of God’s people and covered them with confusion as their enemies prevailed against them. No one is more completely “of the world” than one who lives by the world’s economy, whatever his display of open piety.”
- Hugh Nibley

Last night, as I “helped” my husband write a Philosophy essay, I was struck by the question I repeatedly read in the textbook: How does one determine where human life begins? And, by extension, is it a moral imperative to treat ALL humans equally?
Even merely raising that last question is enough to stir the sandstorms of controversy. But I do not wish to be controversial here. I’m more… contemplative. There seems to be an overwhelming scourge of ethical relativism among the world and even within this supposedly squeaky clean LDS culture. A convincing speech given by a professor, preacher or celebrity lulls so many into a false sense of security. Many eschew what should be moral imperatives and instead cling to the comforts of group think.
I know I don’t have all the answers, and I’m probably just as guilty as the next person at times. But what worries me most is that in the race to outrun moral imperatives, the true value of human life is lost. That’s the real tragedy in politics too- each side actually DOES have some common goals, but we’re too busy bickering about the means to ever reach any worthwhile ends. Ultimately, all sides lose.
To say “I support equal human rights” is such a safe, politically correct statement. But how many people actually mean it? Does equal human rights mean gays should be able to marry or slaves should be set free? Or a million other controversial analogies? We get so wrapped up in arguments over menial matters that we lose sight of what matters most: Love.
This is the folly of every fallen society and soul. Our failure to love as Christ has taught prevents us from realizing our glorious potential as children of God. Too often, we choose to poison our souls with hatred or bitterness rather than seeking higher ground.
I’ve missed out on developing relationships with wonderful people in my past simply because I chose to cling to my own distorted views rather than follow the prevailing rule of Love. I regret some of my actions, but those choices are in the past. I have to bury those past regrets and move forward with a renewed determination. And on the flip side, I have noticed that my greatest joy has come from loosing myself of those chains of selfishness and deciding to love instead.
We’re so accustomed to compartmentalizing people- secretly thinking one group inferior or making snap judgments of individuals, when all we really need to do is love. So maybe next time, step back a second before you make a comment that could offend. Think about your real motivations before you act. Try out this principle and discover the blessings it can bring to yourself and others.

I know… I’m such a nerd, making an application on Facebook. Seems my nerd quotient has risen exponentially since I started working as a web designer at Apogee

Brian’s really excited about the 4th of July, not so excited that all the “BIG” fireworks aren’t sold to the public. We’re planning to go to IF of course, to watch the big show there, then probably light a few of our own when we get home.

Oh, and I mentioned earlier on FB that my brother-in-law and mother-in-law sent a TON of shoes. I just got another box of shoes with a purse too! I don’t think words can describe just how many shoes I got, so I’m attaching a photo here:

I went to a Mary Kay “party” with a friend this morning, really more to support her than anything- cuz, c’mon now, anyone who knows me should know I’m not really a “girly” girl in that way. Makeup just isn’t my thang, and Brian prefers me au naturelle anyways. Funny thing is, the other girls that went to the party confessed the same thing- that their husbands really didn’t care about makeup. So why do girls spend so much time and money dolling themselves up?
Surprise surprise, it’s to boost their own self-esteem. The girls at the party confessed they felt more confident and pretty when they wore makeup. Low self-image is so common among women and the “beauty” industry takes total advantage of that.
I felt like a total fish out of water at that makeup party, especially since I know the marketing industry well enough to totally see through their marketing tactics. What they did was pretty clever, and I’m sure these tactics are used elsewhere. Here are a couple tricks they tried to persuade everyone into buying products:

• Initially reassuring everyone that there was no obligation to buy actually is a clever ploy to break down defenses. Kinda ironic, but you’ll see that in commercials or ads too- phrases like “Free Trial!” or “Try Before you Buy!” are all hooks, and many people take the bait.
• Excessive use of superlatives, like “Oh, this is the BEST!”. C’mon now. How often do you hear a pitch where the sales guy admits “There are lots of better products out there, but please buy mine?”
• Encouraging prospective buyers to make “wish lists” and look through the catalog to pick out what they like- people already start to imagine having those products, which is one step closer to buying them.

The goal of marketing is to make people want to buy your product, even if it is total crap. And the “beauty” industry is a total cash cow – selling so many placebo products to women, capitalizing on their low self-esteem.
Of course, I’ve been guilty of this trap before. In high school, I begged my mom to let me wear makeup because I felt so plain and ugly without it. I went from feeling ugly to feeling apathetic about it, spent most my life that way. It really wasn’t until I met Brian and he showered me with compliments that I started to think “Eh, maybe I don’t look so bad after all…”
He’s asked before if I ever get tired of hearing I’m beautiful – uh, that’s a big fat NO! After all, most women (myself included) spend so many years hearing the opposite, it will take years to repair that! Though I confess, I have tried to wear makeup in the past, I did come to realize it wasn’t for me. I’d much rather spend time doing things I love, with people I love- or sleeping! – instead of putting on a mask. For me, that is both literal and figurative. True beauty can’t be bought or applied with a powder brush, it comes from within. I think, as women and men, we should encourage more of that.