I really wasn’t affected too much when my car broke down on the 4th of July. My car’s had its fair share of problems, so I have learned to deal with it. I guess, in my life, it’s safe to say that’s how I deal with most physical problems. If you asked me about the trials I had to face this weekend, that wouldn’t be the first thing that came to mind. Granted, having my car die while driving on the freeway is inconvenient. But I’m pretty self-assured that these things will work out. God’s got my back.
I’m well aware that He blessed me with a few good friends who were willing to help out, but I don’t think I expressed that gratitude very well. The little frustrations I felt toward my friends that day affected me more emotionally than my broken down car.
Even though my car died while I was driving in the middle of the freeway, I had enough power left to cruise it to the right shoulder and put it in park. After that, it wouldn’t respond at all. So I called my insurance- found out that the towing service they provided would cost cash up front, which I didn’t have. A friend had AAA, so I asked if it would be possible to use that in this situation. From that point on, though, things got a bit messy. I assumed that when this friend offered to help, it would only take about an hour until that help arrived. That hour turned into two. I called. He still hadn’t left. And it definitely didn’t help when he wouldn’t give the reason why- in fact, he purposely led me to believe it was something immoral. It seemed pretty certain this friend was taking his time… and waiting for him over two hours in the dry, Utah heat was not fun at all. I hate waiting.
About three hours later, help finally did arrive. I wasn’t in a grateful mood at that point. And I let my snide remarks make that clear. One thing that’s true- I don’t hide what I feel. And it was clear I felt frustrated- not at my car problems, but at my friend. In retrospect, I should have been more grateful. The service was delayed, but it was better than nothing, right? But it hurts me more to realize how low a priority my needs are compared to- well- just about anything else that comes up. It’s even more frustrating when someone purposely hides information from me, and practically taunts me with it.
I won’t give a detailed report of the day. After watching fireworks, I faced another emotional conflict, but it’s one I’m still trying to process. It’s probably not best to give any details here, but I do feel torn. I want to be loyal to my friend. My concern for him is (and always will be) more than I even desire. Yeah, that may sound weird- but it does seem masochistic for me to constantly feel more for someone than I will ever feel in return. I don’t know how Christ does it. I want to believe I have the strength to control my emotions- but in this case, it is impossibly hard.
I want to be there for my friends. I want them to feel like they can trust me enough to be honest about the problems they face. I have had friendships in the past that dissolved because I had a hard time dealing with their new relationships. I did feel jealous- as soon as “Mr. Right” came along, they stopped talking to me. And it hurt. I don’t want to go through that again.

The good news for somebody who is struggling with same-gender attraction is this: 1) It is that ‘I’m not stuck with it forever.’ It’s just now. Admittedly, for each one of us, it’s hard to look beyond the ‘now’ sometimes. But nonetheless, if you see mortality as now, it’s only during this season. 2) If I can keep myself worthy here, if I can be true to gospel commandments, if I can keep covenants that I have made, the blessings of exaltation and eternal life that Heavenly Father holds out to all of His children apply to me. Every blessing — including eternal marriage — is and will be mine in due course.
- Elder Wickman, “Same Gender Attraction”

The doctrine of eternal marriage is central to the Plan of Salvation, yes. And my testimony of this doctrine supersedes any “lack of inclination” I may have. Accepting this doctrine was much easier as a naive child, but when I passed through adolescence without feeling that “oh so necessary and natural” desire my peers did- well, that’s when I realized this “blessing” might seem more like a chore.
It may be hard for someone with SSA to imagine feeling sexual attraction to the opposite sex, but for me, it’s hard to imagine feeling sexual attraction at all. As soon as I admit this, however, I am reminded of what Elder Wickman said: it’s hard to look beyond the ‘now’ sometimes. I may not be able to imagine the concept of eternal procreation - by what I assume is the established method- but my personal qualms are not more important than eternal principles. I believe that I can (if I choose) eventually overcome my natural “resistance” by focusing on Christlike attributes such as charity and sacrifice. But if I understand Elder Wickman’s statement correctly, can I assume that only heterosexual attraction exists in eternity? And if so, what does this mean to me?

If you read the quote above and find it hard to imagine, I feel ya. Really. Maybe (probably) not for all the same reasons - but enough. Haha, that reminds me of something an old friend would always say: “I love you. Not the way you want me to, but enough.” That statement confused me then, and continues to puzzle me to this day.
It helps me to read the quote and focus on the positive, church-approved feelings I do have- up until recently, I’d label it as “romantic attraction”- but really, I think it’s misleading. Most people would look at that and understand the definition of “romantic attraction” differently. I guess the best way I can define how I feel is that it’s like a tiny sliver of Christlike love- like that warm fuzzy feeling you get after a spiritual experience. So when I think about marriage, I want to believe those warm fuzzies will be present- and reciprocated, of course! I want to look at my future relationship as one that will be fueled by a desire to serve- each other and the world. To build Zion- in a very literal way.
I think these “seeds of divinity” can grow in each of us, regardless of orientation. There are definitely aspects of healthy, SSA friendships that I admire. Positive feelings can exist between any two people, male or female. Expressing these feelings should not defy eternal principles, though. It is the same trick Satan has used since the beginning, tainting the truth with lies. Ultimately, I do believe what Elder Wickman said: Each of us, if we so choose, can qualify ourselves for the blessing of marriage in eternity- and that is, by strict definition, a relationship reserved for man and woman. I also believe, just as strongly, that God will not punish us for following his commandments. He wants us to receive a fullness of joy, and if that means granting us attractions we don’t experience in mortality, so be it. There are certainly other blessings that will be available in eternity which we cannot fathom at this moment (eventually becoming like God and creating worlds would be a good example) - but we must believe in things beyond what we can see. That is, fundamentally, what faith is for.

Ok, you caught me. I love cooking. And I’ve had quite a few people requesting my recipes lately, so it’s about time I post them.
I made this one tonight for dinner. ‘Twas good (of course). I didn’t have enough lemon juice, but that’s ok. The garlic, butter and red pepper made up for it.
I’m going to leave the lemon juice in the recipe though- because I love lemon juice (not straight, but in stuff), so I’m sure it’s good. Maybe next time I’ll actually get it right!

** Note: If you want to print this recipe, please click the icon on the upper-right corner of the recipe. (I’ll make this option available on all my recipe posts)

Here’s the recipe:

Lemon Butter Pasta with Chicken

• 1 pound dried penne
• 3 oz pkg of oven roasted diced chicken breasts, already cooked (means less cooking time- good in the summer!)
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 3 cloves minced garlic
• 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 3 tablespoons roughly chopped fresh parsley, for garnish
• 2 lemons, juiced
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan
• 3 Tbsp unsalted butter

Season chicken with salt and pepper. Heat oil in a large pan over medium high heat. Add garlic and red pepper flakes, then sauté until fragrant. Add chicken. Cook until golden and completely cooked. Set aside until the pasta is done.

Cook the pasta in a large pot of boiling salted water, until al dente. Drain well. Mix in butter and stir until it melts.
Remove pasta to a large bowl. Add chicken to the warm pasta and season with salt and pepper. Sprinkle in chopped parsley. Add the juice of 2 lemons and mix. Before serving, sprinkle some Parmesan on top.

Families can be together forever. That tenet of the church is so often used, it’s even a hymn. But if it’s true, why would I want it?
Honestly, that sounds a lot like hell to me. About 90 percent of my tears, anger and depression have come as a result of familial conflict. I have done everything I could to follow the commandments. Does it matter though? At the end of this life, what do I have to look forward to? A loving family? Really? Can you please tell me what that’s like?

I just got off the phone with my brother-in-law. He spent a good hour cussing me out because I wouldn’t co-sign a car loan with him. Why is he surprised? He has no drivers license, no job, a criminal record- and I’m supposed to put my name on a loan paper next to his? C’mon- am I really that dumb?

And yet, in spite of all the practical reasons to refuse, I still end up feeling like crap. I’m supposed to feel like it’s my fault my sister and nieces could be homeless in a week. And I do. I was too much of a coward to say no when they were at the dealership, buying the car. They made the crazy assumption I would follow through and sign my life away. And I do feel bad about that. But I can’t co-sign. I feel sick just thinking about it. And I know from experience that I need to follow my gut. That’s the spirit talking, not my stomach.

Three seconds. That’s all the time I had between seeing that charging moose and jumping into the bushes. To say it seemed surreal would be an understatement. I had never seen a moose in real life before- but suddenly there was one running right towards me!
I don’t know how it all would have played out if I hadn’t reacted as fast as I did. The moose wasn’t full grown, but it was huge compared to me. Could I have been hurt? Certainly. Could I have died? I don’t know. That seems unlikely, but still- what a way to go, huh?
The moose incident occured on Wednesday. My friend Alice invited me up to Park City, where she was house/dog/cat sitting. I brought an overnight bag and half the ingredients for our dinner. After we ate, we took the dogs on a walk. We took a trail just a few blocks from the house that led towards one of the many mountains. As we were walking along, Alice noticed moose tracks. Of course, I was my usual oblivious self. I was too focused on keeping the red bugs off my feet to really hear her observation. (I was wearing sandals. Great footwear for hiking, no?)
We continued walking, further and further away from civilization. The dogs ran far ahead of us, only stopping at every bend to make sure we were still there. At one point, the dogs seemed to have disappeared. I didn’t think much of it- until suddenly I saw Brody, the golden retriever, approaching. He was running fast- faster than I’d seen before. And he was being followed- by a moose!
So yeah. I blame the dogs. They probably provoked the poor creature. We headed back right after our “run-in” with the moose, of course. I washed the mud off my feet when we got back to the house, then Alice and I curled up on the couch and watched CSI:NY before heading to bed.

I’m pretty sure that was the most action I’ve had on a Wednesday night.