I love my body. I know, strange to hear – especially coming from a girl. And I don’t mean that in a vain way. I’m talking about the awesome ability the human body has to adapt, to recover and to grow in spite of ever changing obstacles. From something as simple as kicking the common cold to something as intense as giving birth – it’s all possible thanks to the many intricate ways the body works together.

So why does it seem like everyone feels exactly the opposite these days? All I hear on TV and in conversations are negative comments, subtle messages that our natural bodies just aren’t “good enough” – we aren’t “good enough” without cosmetic or material interventions.

When Brian and I were talking to the midwife at my appointment, Brian casually asked how many girls got epidurals at the local hospital. She said somewhere around 90% – and that’s across the country. Woah! No wonder I feel like such a weird-o for even considering natural… I am definitely in the minority here! Well, at least in mindset. Who knows what the circumstances will be when baby decides to make his appearance. I know a lot can happen, most of which isn’t under your control, but 90% is a darn high number! Labor is a tough thing for sure, and yet, it’s gone on since the dawn of time. Many, many women in the past gave birth naturally, so why can’t we?

Well, maybe can’t isn’t the right word… more like won’t – or don’t want to. And why should we, right? Medical interventions can take away the pain. Why not use it? I certainly don’t mean to demean anyone for their choices, but rather, to speculate on a general trend I see in our society. It seems like with childbirth and in many other cases, we are becoming increasingly reliant on the medical community to solve our every woe.

I’ve experienced my fair share of ailments, so I respect medicine to a point. What troubles me is the abuse of this knowledge, and seeing people rely on the “expertise” of doctors rather than educating themselves. Pregnancy and childbirth definitely come with their fair share of discomforts. Physiologically, women’s bodies can feel like a rollercoaster at times. Up one day, down the next – it’s quite a rush. Going through all this the first time can be a very unnerving, sometimes scary experience. I’ve always been a nerd to the core, so I combat my fears by educating myself. It’s only after actively seeking out answers that I have come to discover really startling things – things we all take for granted without realizing the implications.

None of the information I’ve uncovered magically points to one true solution for every person – I realize the choices we make are still highly subjective. What’s right for one may not be right for all. But that’s just it – there are choices! We don’t have to lay down and passively take whatever is shoved at us, whether it be by doctors, media or peers. We can learn for ourselves. We can choose for ourselves. And in the end, having that choice is really quite empowering!

In the past two weeks, I’ve had two awesome job opportunities than under any other circumstance I would grab in a heartbeat. The first was developing websites for Cisco, a huge networking corporation. The current opportunity would be for CBS – and unlike the Cisco job, I could work from home. I only mention this because it has caused me to think more than ever about my place in life and in the future, especially my role as a mother.

Brian has always been my biggest support, but his reticence really is an outward projection of my inner worries… The biggest concern is how having a full-time job will work when I have a tiny little baby to care for. The first few months are bound to be exhausting anyway, but factoring in the stress of a full-time job… I dunno. Tiring as it may be, I could technically do it, but could I be the best mother possible too? Could I give my baby the love and attention he needs? I’m already stubborn about certain issues – using cloth diapers, nursing, NOT outsourcing my role as mother to a daycare. Alternatives may work for others, but I’m pretty set in my ways.

So really, I’m forced to choose between two great paths – pursing my dream career, or devoting my time and heart to a child I will love more than life itself. I can’t do both perfectly. There isn’t enough time or energy in the day. Ultimately, Brian and I will have to pray about this and build the faith necessary to follow through. My final interview is Wednesday, so I hope that by then I will get a clearer idea of what is possible.

I stumbled across a list of reasons not to get pregnant and thought I’d add a few in for kicks and giggles… Even though I’ve probably experienced 90% of them so far, I still enjoy being pregnant. Am I a masochist or what?

<< Sidenote >>

Guys – Aren’t you jealous you don’t get to experience all this?

Gals – As with many “feminine” experiences, I think a good sense of humor helps. So you can laugh at yourself if you have or are going through this, or laugh at women (like me) who have to go through this now

TOP 20 JOYS OF PREGNANCY

1. Morning sickness. Not only is it not just for mornings (can last all day) but it can also last your entire pregnancy. Not very comforting when you’re desperately wanting to hear it will go away soon.

2. Forget Cravings. Wait til you get to the adversions. Where you discover a world of food you DON’T want to eat. Ever. Even food you normally love becomes completely disgusting.

3. Round Ligament Pain. Yeah, your uterus growing at crazy progressive tumor rates does have complications. One of them is a pain from the ligaments that hold the uterus in place as they are stretched. Fun times.

4. Goodbye Digestive System. Speaking of never wanting to eat again, progesterone (one of the big pregnancy hormones) slows down food digestion. Add in that your stomache and all other organs are slowly being squeezed together- forget about eating normally for 9 months- maybe longer. Oh, and that progesterone also leads to excessive gas and belching.

5. Headaches. All those hormones messing about can give you a headache. You didn’t think your unborn child could all ready give you a headache? Think again!

6. Running a Marathon. Pregnancy has been equated by many to running a marathon because of the extra strain it puts on the body. Are you in shape to run a 9 month marathon? Then think again!

7. Lost sleep. So turns out you can only sleep on one side during pregnancy (the left if you’re curious). Why? Because any other position will be a) extremely uncomfortable b) cut off blood supply to your uterus and legs OR c) cut off other important bits leading to fun things like hemmoroids.

PS if you thought that was a multiple choice quiz, the answer is d) all of the above.

8. Your brain. You lose most of it. Not only does it physically shrink, but it loses function. Seriously, don’t expect to remember things or have any form of concentration. In fact, I had to sit and think for 5 minutes to remember the word concentration. Incidentally, I lost concentration during that time.

9. Exhaustion. Remember the last time you were so sick you couldn’t hardly move off the couch? Welcome to how it feels to be pregnant.

10. Bye bye bladder. Be prepared for accidents every time you sneeze, cough. Oh, and throw up. If that projectile vomiting isn’t bad enough on its own- wait until its coupled by wetting yourself.

11. Crazy Dreams. For some odd reason, your dreams are going to be a lot more vivid, longer and more frequent. At first this is fun, but when they’re waking you up when you’re already having trouble sleeping- not so fun anymore.

12. Bloody Nose & Gums: Blood vessels get bigger in your face, so you’re more likely to have nosebleeds (and/or blood in your boogers all the time) as well as bloody gums when you brush.

13. Saliva Increases. It can get so bad that you need to spit it out because there is WAY too much of it. It also makes you more nauseous- which stinks in the 1st trimester, when you’re most likely to experience morning sickness.

14. Vaginal Discharge. Tons of it is normal. Thought you were getting out of wearing pads for 9 months? Think again! Also, you’re more prone to yeast infections and UTIs.

15. Leaking Breasts. Not a huge deal, but be aware you need to wear pads in your bra as well as your underwear.

16. Stretch Marks the size of the grand canyon. Not just on your tummy either, but all over. You reach a point when you can really feel like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

17. Back pain. Great- one more pain to add to the list…

18. Crazy hormones. Literally crying over spilled milk (yours), dumb commercials, you name it.

19. Constipation, which leads to hemmoroids… and the dread that comes with every trip to the bathroom.

20. Heartburn. As if wetting yourself wasn’t fun enough, now you get the chance to taste stomach acid…

Of all the sacrifices that comes with motherhood, I think I’m going to miss sleep the most. I’ve already forgotten what it’s like to sleep more than 4 hours in a row and the baby hasn’t even popped out yet! Aside from that (and a few other “inconvenient” symptoms), I really don’t have much to complain about. I feel really blessed because I’ve heard all the horror stories and I know pregnancy could have been a lot rougher. I can count the number of times I’ve thown up on one hand (and I’m hoping to keep it that way!) – the round ligament pains that other women complain about are annoying, but not as terrible as I thought they would be. And now, after weeks of waiting, I finally fit into maternity clothes!

It’s funny how the fears and worries you gather over a lifetime can so quickly dissipate when experience proves you wrong. I used to fear going to the doctors, especially if that included  any invasion of my privacy. (And of course, as a woman, many doctor’s visits do just that…) But now, I look forward to them. I can’t wait to hear my baby’s heartbeat, to see the tiny hands and toes and… well, possibly, other stuff.

Up until recently, the idea of being pregnant seemed so surreal. I didn’t have a belly or feel any kicks to confirm there was a squirming little life inside of me. I can still wear baggy clothes and go undetected, but my belly is finally bulging! Feeling the first kicks was a tricky business too – another surreal experience. At this point though, I’m pretty sure what I have felt was kicking, and not the anxious gnawing of an empty stomach!

There are still plenty of things to worry about – the labor, finances, balancing work and motherhood… but they all seem moot in comparison to the anticipation I feel. I’m gonna be a mommy… how weird is that?!

Until recently, I never realized the depth and value of anime. But after watching the series “Full Metal Alchemy: Brotherhood”, I have become a huge fan. The plot is so intricate and the topics so deep, so very unlike the superficial fluff I see on TV every day. I’m really not kidding when I say the plot is too complex to describe, but the best I can do is borrow a summary that I think works well enough:

Brotherhood tells the story of the two brothers, Ed and Al Elric and their journey into alchemy, the tragic loss of their mother, and their subsequent breaking of taboo in trying to bring her back. The story is heart-warming, funny, and speaks volume about human behavior. But more than anything, this is a coming of age story about two brothers who make a lot of dumb mistakes along the way but always manage to carry on. Although the setting for Brotherhood is fantastical, there are a lot of elements relatable to everyday life and one cannot help but love the characters.

In the series, alchemy is a science so advanced, the military recruits trained alchemists to accomplish tasks the average soldier cannot. But when alchemists try to “play God” and create or restore human life, this major taboo costs them dearly. Ed and Al definitely taste the consequences, and are haunted by it throughout the series. Their trainer, it turns out, tried to play God as well. Both their attempts failed miserably. Many characters try to play God in one way or another, and in each case, the consequences are dire.

I don’t think the message was a moral one- rather, it illustrates the consequences of actions made in ignorance and through improper channels. We can be a lot like the young boys in this series- so naive and impetuous, trying to force our way onto the scene- but we can’t “play God” and pretend we know it all. We don’t. And the consequences of our ignorance can be tragic. And yet, we can’t cower in fear our whole lives either. We have to move forward, even if it’s into the dark.

Half a lifetime ago, I dreaded the sound of my beating heart – each beat closer to a finite life span, echoing in my ears after that night I drew so near to death. I just simply could not fathom how something so delicate, so mortal, could continue beating without pausing to rest. It was unbelievable.

It’s unbelievable now to listen as a tiny heartbeat echoes within… or how much love can swell from my own heart as I see the shadow on a sonogram. My raspberry is growing into a baby.

When Brian and I first arrived in Rexburg with all our belongings stuffed into a moving truck, it wasn’t under the best of circumstances. We both had bad colds, it was a cold and snowy day in December and we nearly had to cuss out the landlady just to get her to let us into our own apartment.

And yet, I look back now at that day and see a blessing that I didn’t even realize at the moment. Having a terrible cold while moving in makes things difficult, especially in the snow. Brian and I tried to carry most of our stuff, but there were heavier items (like the TV, furniture) that we couldn’t carry up the stairs on our own. We had to ask for help, but we didn’t know anyone in the area. So Brian asked me to pick a number, and we randomly knocked on a neighbor’s door. That neighbor turned out to be a counselor in our ward, and quite possibly one of the nicest guys too.

What we didn’t know at the time was that the behind door #1 was a guy who ended up just getting evicted for assaulting a neighbor. He had a history of drunken, erratic behavior. I can’t know for sure what would have happened if we knocked on his door, but I’m glad we didn’t.

Another random blessing: employment. I was peeved when Brian got overlooked for a full-time job and a guy he trained got all the glory, but fortunately, Brian is so much better than I am. Instead of being upset, he continued to show respect to his coworker and bosses, which ended up helping him get a better job (albeit temporary) later on. He just started another temporary job helping w/ lighting at the Conference Center, and that too could be a result of his good behavior. I’m starting a second part time job tomorrow too, so hopefully finances won’t look nearly so grim. It’s nothing short of a miracle to have these opportunities in a small college town, where employment is hard to find and the economy isn’t the greatest anyway.

It’s interesting how so many blessings can come out of the darkest moments in our lives. Is it because of the contrast? Or because it’s a time we need it most? I’m not sure, but it’s very encouraging to look back and realize I’m not alone in my struggles. There are everyday angels out there, smoothing out those rough edges and making the dark days more bearable.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas, “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night”

I’ve had many dreams lately, some crazy and others less so. Last night’s dream felt more like a revelation though, a confession to myself – a quiet rage against the dying light. I was approaching my old college, CSULB, watching as young cheerleaders ran past towards a pep rally. I recognized the uniforms, the colors, but everything else had changed. All my old teachers and classmates were gone. I kept thinking, almost aloud, how strange it was to see kids there so young, then realize what that made me… old. (Well comparatively).

A familiar tune hit my ears, though I can’t recall the words. In true dream fashion, the scene faded and I was instead standing atop a sandy dune, looking out at the ocean as its waves crashed against the shore. So much had changed. So much was changing. In the past, I always felt like the one left behind – now I was the one rushing ahead, pulled by an unknown force towards an unknown future.

A baby changes everything.

For nearly 3 decades, I have cherished my independence. The possibilities were limitless. All I had to do was pack up my car and go (and I did)… but now? Not so easy. Marrying Brian felt like meeting my other half, so I felt almost like my independence was enhanced, empowered. I could still be free-spirited. But now? Not so easy… I recognize that in some ways, that independent spirit will have to be subdued. I will be a mother, and that comes with great responsibilities. I don’t dread them, but I think a part of me grieves the loss of my former self. Change is hard, even when it may bring the greatest joy… Even more so when much of it is unknown.

Nostalgia can be myopic in a way. We look back at a past that seems simpler, more carefree. The darker nights and trials pale against our longing for the familiar. And perhaps that is just it – the changes ahead may bring more joy than I can imagine, but the unknown scares me. I know how to handle midterms and cranky bosses. I’ve been there before. But a sick or crying baby? Balancing work while trying to be the best mom? I don’t know what that’s like, and part of me is afraid to fall short in brand new ways…

 Loading ...

It’s funny how apparent my own ignorance has become since learning I was preggo. I knew it was probably a good idea to set up a doctor’s appointment for a checkup of some sort. I picked up “What to Expect” at the library (which turned out to be a bit of a mistake), but the very brief mention of a midwife was enough to spark my curiosity. I searched online to see what doctor’s were available for my “condition” – all men. Yuck. Sorry guys, but I would much rather turn to a woman in this case.

So I started to consider the alternative – a midwife – before I really even knew what a midwife was. At that point, I was still ignorant enough to worry that I couldn’t have an epidural without an OB/GYN – and I just assumed an epidural was the way to go. My, how things have changed…

The more I learn about midwifery, the better I feel about my decision. As a feminist* and pragmatist, it just feels more natural to rely on a woman for something so deeply personal. Fortunately, it doesn’t appear I’m in any way high risk, so this option works out. But even if something were to happen, there’s still an OB/GYN available to step in.

Ok, and to dispel any assumptions you may have:
- No, I will not be popping out the baby in a bathtub
- I am not a hippie
- I actually don’t even know if I *should* get an epidural or not at this point. I want to be brave enough to go natural, but I honestly don’t know if I can. (This would be a good time for anyone who has to explain why this may be a good/bad thing)

And, on a totally unrelated note, I just squirted sausage juice all over my computer. I think this is a good time to stop.

_{*And no, not in a bra-burning “pro-choice” sorta way. More like, empowering and educating women to achieve whatever they dream… in case you were wondering}

I had a bit of an “aha” moment a while back that I thought might be helpful to write down. I was thinking back to my initial hesitation at pivotal moments in my life- like moving to Rexburg. At the moment that change occurred, I wasn’t aware of all the blessings that could flow from it. Now, of course, I’m not going to lie and say life in the Iceberg is perfect. I was afraid of the cold – and it is cold. I was wary of the culture – and the culture is messed up. All of my fears were true, but in spite of it all, I am grateful.

Sometimes, I think I forget that facing imperfect circumstances can really be for the greater good. If everything in life went just as I planned, there wouldn’t be much room left to challenge my paradigms, to grow stronger and more faithful or to really appreciate my blessings.