What asexuality is not…

Asexuality is not a 21st-century “cop out”. It is not the lack of sex drive or even lack of sex- it is the lack of sexual attraction.

Asexuality does not require a person to be forced into any experience they do not desire, just for the sake of confirming their orientation. Would it be fair to force homosexuals into “straight” sex just to confirm they are gay? If you think of it that way, the demand seems not only silly but downright cruel.

There seems to be an undercurrent among asexuals and sexuals alike- this lingering doubt that asexuality is somehow only legitimate if the person in question has experienced sex. As with any orientation, behavior does not necessarily correlate with orientation.

So how can one know- without “experimenting” - if it’s reasonable to describe one’s self as asexual? I’ve constantly re-examined what it means to describe myself as asexual, especially after entering into a serious romantic relationship. When I had my first kiss, the question arose: “Can I enjoy this and still consider myself asexual?”

That question passes through my mind anytime I experience a new form of affection. Most of my relationship has been long-distance, so I’ll admit the opportunities to express physical affection are few and far between… Still, on those rare days when my boyfriend and I are in the same state, that question makes its appearance.

Describing myself as asexual does not mean I cannot enjoy kissing or cuddling or many other forms of affection… There may be some who don’t enjoy any physical contact, but I’m certainly not one of them! What it does mean is that the “temptation” to go further- to have sex- never enters my mind.

There are lots of things asexuality is not… It seems almost exclusively defined in negative terms. But what it is - well, it is a natural disposition, even if it is rare. There are people out there (myself included) who could go their entire lives without experiencing any personal desire to have sex. Whether they actually experience sex, in my opinion, is a moot point. It can confirm or deny what’s already true- but why force someone into something they don’t want to do?

I’d much rather eat cake… :)

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Published:
03.31.09 / 2pm
Category:
asexuality, education