Knowledge is Power(less)

In my family, it seems gossip spreads quickly - especially when that gossip is about me being in a relationship. Ever since word first spread that I had a serious boyfriend, I’ve been getting all sorts of “advice” from family members and friends. This morning, I found a package on the table addressed to me. It turned out to be a book on marital intimacy.

Now, I’ve always been the curious type. Probably too curious for my own good, at times. Knowledge has often been a source of comfort for me when I felt powerless or apprehensive about what lay in the future. Ever since I first allowed myself to toy with the possibility of marriage, the first and most obvious obstacle was sex. In my quest for comfort, I tried to read all about it. That, in part, is why I received this book…  I thought knowing more would help me feel less apprehensive about the prospect. Instead, it seems like my dread only grows.

Ignorance really can be bliss. I wonder if my insatiable curiosity, in this case, is more destructive than constructive. But really, is it fair to myself or my partner to pretend everything is okay while this dread slowly nibbles away any trace of excitement? If I can’t turn to knowledge for solace, where can I go?

I’ve already read so many threads of advice on AVEN to asexuals in mixed relationships- none of which, I think, applies to me. There is no possibility of me allowing my future husband to have a sexual partner outside of marriage. I’m positive he would not go for that anyways. Nor am I willing to be the selfish one, forfeiting his genuine need for intimacy just because I’m a “prude”. Selfishness is like arsenic to relationships- its fatal poison will eat away at the cells of emotional and physical intimacy.

It seems oddly ironic, that the antidote to my anxieties would require “confessing” to my boyfriend the dread that I have. But really, I don’t think there’s any better way. It’s frightening- revealing your deepest concerns to someone whose rejection would hurt you the most. But at the same time, there really is nothing sweeter than the validation that comes after confessing your deepest concerns, and receiving the comfort you so desperately desire.

It’s true. The greatest risks also give the biggest rewards.