First thought:

It’s been eight months, and I’m still “waiting for the sexual shoe to drop”, so to speak. I’ve surprised myself in many ways- and I really do enjoy many aspects of affection. (Nonsexual intimacy is fantabulous IMO) I don’t know whether it’s just me being naturally oblivious or what, but I still don’t quite understand how all those fabulous forms of affection can somehow lead to sex.

That said, I’ve quasi-committed myself to being open in the future. Although I still feel borderline averse/indifferent, my desire to make my fiance happy might just be strong enough to override that. I suppose only time will tell…

Second thought:

Where do you draw the line between sexual and nonsexual intimacy anyway? Is it all subjective? I mean, I could very well engage in some hard core cuddling with no intention of going further- but isn’t it possible that my partner could interpret it as sexual intimacy? Are asexuals the only ones who’ve really thought about this distinction? Or need it?

Final thought:

I feel bad I haven’t updated this in so long, but my life in genuinely CRAZY busy now… and I bet it will be even more so as the wedding date grows closer. (For those keeping track, it’s August 22nd). I really want to keep this going though, because I would love to share my future thoughts as a married asexual.

So in short… I may not post as often as I’d like, but please don’t forget about me!

Six months ago, the impossible occurred. I found someone who was happy to accept me for who I was. We wrote our own rules. What was “normal” didn’t matter. We did things our way.

I pass for “normal” really well now, and there have been a few who assumed I was sexual too- that somehow my innocent displays of affection must mean I’m tempted to do more. It hurts to hear people making those sorts of assumptions. I want to ignore them, but part of me wonders if they know me more than I know myself- is sexual attraction a secret weapon that can appear out of the blue? Does my desire to cuddle have to evolve to something more?

Maybe I’m ignorant of myself - after all, I’ve only been around myself 24/7 all my life. Surely someone who’s only known me superficially has a deeper knowledge of my inner psyche… Heh. Right.

I’ve expressed my frustrations to my fiance. His words of common sense are always a comfort to hear - Our relationship is as unique as we are. Love does not come with a script we must follow- it’s an improvisation. We write our own script. We do it our way.

I’m kinda surprised this issue hasn’t been discussed more amongst asexuals. Is it because it’s really such a non-issue for us? Or are there lengthy threads on AVEN that have been buried, that I somehow missed? I realize it’s a controversial topic- one that might stir up arguments between religious and not-so-religious folks. But aside from all that, on a personal level, it just didn’t make sense to me why I’d ever want to use any form of birth control other than abstinence. Until, perhaps, now?

I’ve never thought too deeply about it until recently, as I slowly approach my own intersection between reality and idealism. I don’t see any problem with celibacy- it’s the best possible scenario, in my mind. But my foray towards marriage- and the expectations that come along with it- has led to some major cognitive dissonance. I’ve had to re-evaluate this topic, and I’ve wondered: how much of what I believe is molded by my asexuality? Celibacy always seemed like a common sense approach to birth control- heck, it was free and without nasty side effects (like sex! ) … but now, I am slowly starting to realize most people don’t view it so favorably.

I’m curious though - how do other asexuals view birth control, especially on a personal level? Would it be safe to assume we all favor the most effective method - not doing “it” - or are there valid reasons why other options need to be considered? (This is my none-too-subtle way of soliciting comments )   

Asexuality does not require a person to be forced into any experience they do not desire, just for the sake of confirming their orientation. Would it be fair to force homosexuals into “straight” sex just to confirm they are gay? If you think of it that way, the demand seems not only silly but downright cruel.

There seems to be an undercurrent among asexuals and sexuals alike- this lingering doubt that asexuality is somehow only legitimate if the person in question has experienced sex. As with any orientation, behavior does not necessarily correlate with orientation.

So how can one know- without “experimenting” - if it’s reasonable to describe one’s self as asexual? I’ve constantly re-examined what it means to describe myself as asexual, especially after entering into a serious romantic relationship. When I had my first kiss, the question arose: “Can I enjoy this and still consider myself asexual?”

That question passes through my mind anytime I experience a new form of affection. Most of my relationship has been long-distance, so I’ll admit the opportunities to express physical affection are few and far between… Still, on those rare days when my boyfriend and I are in the same state, that question makes its appearance.

Describing myself as asexual does not mean I cannot enjoy kissing or cuddling or many other forms of affection… There may be some who don’t enjoy any physical contact, but I’m certainly not one of them! What it does mean is that the “temptation” to go further- to have sex- never enters my mind.

There are lots of things asexuality is not… It seems almost exclusively defined in negative terms. But what it is - well, it is a natural disposition, even if it is rare. There are people out there (myself included) who could go their entire lives without experiencing any personal desire to have sex. Whether they actually experience sex, in my opinion, is a moot point. It can confirm or deny what’s already true- but why force someone into something they don’t want to do?

I’d much rather eat cake…

Now, I’ve always been the curious type. Probably too curious for my own good, at times. Knowledge has often been a source of comfort for me when I felt powerless or apprehensive about what lay in the future. Ever since I first allowed myself to toy with the possibility of marriage, the first and most obvious obstacle was sex. In my quest for comfort, I tried to read all about it. That, in part, is why I received this book…  I thought knowing more would help me feel less apprehensive about the prospect. Instead, it seems like my dread only grows.

Ignorance really can be bliss. I wonder if my insatiable curiosity, in this case, is more destructive than constructive. But really, is it fair to myself or my partner to pretend everything is okay while this dread slowly nibbles away any trace of excitement? If I can’t turn to knowledge for solace, where can I go?

I’ve already read so many threads of advice on AVEN to asexuals in mixed relationships- none of which, I think, applies to me. There is no possibility of me allowing my future husband to have a sexual partner outside of marriage. I’m positive he would not go for that anyways. Nor am I willing to be the selfish one, forfeiting his genuine need for intimacy just because I’m a “prude”. Selfishness is like arsenic to relationships- its fatal poison will eat away at the cells of emotional and physical intimacy.

It seems oddly ironic, that the antidote to my anxieties would require “confessing” to my boyfriend the dread that I have. But really, I don’t think there’s any better way. It’s frightening- revealing your deepest concerns to someone whose rejection would hurt you the most. But at the same time, there really is nothing sweeter than the validation that comes after confessing your deepest concerns, and receiving the comfort you so desperately desire.

It’s true. The greatest risks also give the biggest rewards.

I’ve been meaning to write about this for months… seriously. I’m such a slacker.

The San Francisco Gay Pride Parade is a HUGE event… and for the first time ever, AVENites and Asexy allies have the chance to march! The parade lasts from 10:30 am til 3 on Sunday, June 28th. Ily posted a thread here on AVEN and just recently wrote a post here, on her blog.

I’m still debating what would be the best way to travel down… I wanted to organize a carpool for anyone in the NW. But honestly, I’m not too thrilled about driving 28 hours roundtrip. I checked out the airfare cost on a few sites and found tickets as low as $60 each way. If I can manage to get enough money, I might consider flying instead… I dunno… I’ve been out of a job for far too long, so I’m not even sure if I can afford it, but I want to try. This is, after all, a once in a lifetime event…

When I began my first (and only) long-term relationship, I was impressed by how nonchalant my boyfriend was about my asexuality. I made no effort to disguise it- and we’ve had several talks about it over the months. I was very blunt about it. There were a few times when his response surprised me, and led me to re-examine my own perception of sex and culture.
Take, for instance, the time I shared a quote I’d found on AVEN - something like “I don’t struggle with sex before marriage- it’s sex after marriage that bothers me.” It started as a joke, but then I confessed how I never looked forward to “consummating” my marriage, and how much it bothered me to think that our culture made it seem like I had to have sex on my wedding night. Overall, he’s a bit more traditional, so I was doubly surprised when he (basically) replied, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Who cares what our culture says is “normal” anyway?”

It took me a while to accept the fact that he really meant it when he said I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to… At first, I challenged him, asking “Do you even REALIZE what you’re saying?” or “What if I NEVER want to?” What’s really thrown me off is when he says that he’d rather not talk about it so much because he doesn’t want it to be a major focus in our relationship… Ha!
I remember quite clearly how much I hated the idea of dating because I felt like I’d be pressured into physical affection- but now that I’m in a relationship, I have to laugh at myself… What was the big deal, really? Just as long as you find someone who genuinely cares, these little “issues” really are just that.

The word “intimate”, as a verb, means “to make known” - and I think it’s pretty universal for humans to seek out that sort of validation- feeling like someone knows them and can love them anyway. Or, better yet, love them because - without condition.

Intimacy does not require romance. Nor does it require sex. The intimacy of a conversation with a close friend can be just as meaningful for one as a night of romance may be for another. They’re just different ways of expressing that same thing - this longing for a connection. Intimacy can take many forms: emotional, physical, spiritual. For this post, however, I’d like to look at emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is important in all relationships, but I’d say that asexuals have a unique opportunity- we can bring it the recognition it deserves and learn how to use it to empower our relationships.

I’m afraid that many asexuals - and people, in general - become their own greatest obstacles to true intimacy and love. We become so focused on why others couldn’t love us, that we forget to look for ways we can help others feel loved. That’s the first step- you need to break down the wall and look outside yourself. You might be surprised at what you see.

I was quite surprised to discover how vulnerable others were when I finally stopped focusing on my own vulnerabilities. And, oddly enough, I discovered that by helping others feel validated and loved, I started to feel the same way about myself.

Once you convince a person they are loved, it’s amazing what sorta crap you can get away with…

Ok, but seriously, instead of playing “woe is me” all day long, be proactive and become the warrior of others’ woes. Try it out, if you can - find someone who you think could use a little loving, then find ways to make it happen. Be an emotional cheerleader. The intimacy that can develop from mutually supportive relationships is a beautiful, miraculous thing.

That’s sort of how I’ve looked at sex. Unpleasant as it may seem, I figured it was something I would have to endure for other reasons (like pleasing my partner, or starting a family). I have never watched a love scene on TV or in the movies and thought, “Wow. That looks like FUN!” I always saw it as a duty, not a desire.

Maintaining this sort of attitude might work when you face an unpleasant experience alone, but things get tricky when you have another person’s feelings to consider. Simply appeasing your partner out of duty may not work as well. As I’ve drawn closer to feeling that pressure on a personal level, I am starting to feel more stress about “performing” when desire doesn’t come into play.

I don’t see any reason why you should give up on a relationship just because you aren’t compatible 100% of the time. No two people will always be on the same level. Relationships require communication and compromise, right?

I suppose it is possible that I could learn to desire something I find unpleasant right now… like learning to enjoy that tube being jabbed down my throat… oh yeah… but for now, I feel like the best I could do is to put on a brave face and hope it ends.