Waiting for the sexual shoe to drop

On the off chance I haven’t been completely forgotten in the asexual blogosphere, I decided to post a few thoughts that I’ve had recently.

First thought:

It’s been eight months, and I’m still “waiting for the sexual shoe to drop”, so to speak. I’ve surprised myself in many ways- and I really do enjoy many aspects of affection. (Nonsexual intimacy is fantabulous IMO) I don’t know whether it’s just me being naturally oblivious or what, but I still don’t quite understand how all those fabulous forms of affection can somehow lead to sex.

That said, I’ve quasi-committed myself to being open in the future. Although I still feel borderline averse/indifferent, my desire to make my fiance happy might just be strong enough to override that. I suppose only time will tell…

Second thought:

Where do you draw the line between sexual and nonsexual intimacy anyway? Is it all subjective? I mean, I could very well engage in some hard core cuddling with no intention of going further- but isn’t it possible that my partner could interpret it as sexual intimacy? Are asexuals the only ones who’ve really thought about this distinction? Or need it?

Final thought:

I feel bad I haven’t updated this in so long, but my life in genuinely CRAZY busy now… and I bet it will be even more so as the wedding date grows closer. (For those keeping track, it’s August 22nd). I really want to keep this going though, because I would love to share my future thoughts as a married asexual.

So in short… I may not post as often as I’d like, but please don’t forget about me!

Doing it our way

I used to be so naive. I thought, somehow, romance was reserved for people who wanted sex- for those who weren’t apathetic to affection. Since I refused to deny how I really felt- who I really was - I swore off the possibility of ever being in a relationship like that. I didn’t want to conform to cultural expectations of what a relationship should be - I wanted to do it my way.

Six months ago, the impossible occurred. I found someone who was happy to accept me for who I was. We wrote our own rules. What was “normal” didn’t matter. We did things our way.

I pass for “normal” really well now, and there have been a few who assumed I was sexual too- that somehow my innocent displays of affection must mean I’m tempted to do more. It hurts to hear people making those sorts of assumptions. I want to ignore them, but part of me wonders if they know me more than I know myself- is sexual attraction a secret weapon that can appear out of the blue? Does my desire to cuddle have to evolve to something more?

Maybe I’m ignorant of myself - after all, I’ve only been around myself 24/7 all my life. Surely someone who’s only known me superficially has a deeper knowledge of my inner psyche… Heh. Right.

I’ve expressed my frustrations to my fiance. His words of common sense are always a comfort to hear - Our relationship is as unique as we are. Love does not come with a script we must follow- it’s an improvisation. We write our own script. We do it our way.