Ace of Hearts

There’s a funny thing about friendship, though. Sometimes it’s the one thing you have that can bring you back to yourself…There I was, having dinner with two people I had known since I was in high school. We had gone through ups and downs, crazy angst-ridden adventures, personal growth experience, parental conflicts, friendship drama, and shared just about everything with each other that people can share. We’d kept our friendship together through good times and bad, and knew each other better that we knew anyone else. Yet, I refused to recognize that the best of me was seated at that table. Who I am, the “me” that makes me is forever infused in these two people, and that’s a powerful concept, more potent than the idea that another person’s love completes you.
- Jason Dilts, “A ‘Single’ Problem”

Do you remember that episode of friends, where Joey can make anything- including grandma’s chicken salad- sound dirty? Yep. That would be me. I have a tendency to play with words, often in ways that might make people wonder… Did she just say…??? Yes, yes she did…. It’s easy for me to make “suggestive” comments because they are, to me, just words. I know I can get a reaction from others even though it means nothing to me. And yet, of all the suggestive things I’ve said, I can’t recall ever implying I was involved or interested…
Still, I am starting to realize it may not be the best way to converse with some friends. It is, in a way, like plotting my emotional demise.
Is it hypocritical to personally feel indifferent/averse to sex and still talk about it so lightly? Or maybe it’s easier to talk about it that way because I’m so far removed from it personally?
But when it does get personal… that’s when I realize there’s a problem.
Cue in the personal application.
I don’t think I’m divulging any big secret by admitting that I am romantically attracted to one of my friends. I have been for quite some time, and yet I continue to throw my suggestive barbs into conversation. And no, it never involved me and him- ehhh… I’d really rather not even think in that direction. Makes me feel queasy-sick (no offense). More often, I’ve thrown out comments about him and whatever crush he had, or any random person in the area. But the moment I make a suggestive comment, I regret it.
I won’t provide a specific example because a) I have a habit of forgetting (though that isn’t the case right now) and b) I’d reveal personal info that may not be appropriate to divulge in this pseudo-public setting. So if you’re really interested, you’ll have to ask me privately.

Wordplay is definitely my weakness, so it will be tough to curb that tendency. But I need to think before I speak sometimes, and realize that the responses I get may be less than pleasant…

Has anyone here heard of Celibate Passions? I just stumbled across it and I was pleasantly surprised- they have both my sexual orientation and religion listed- which hardly never happens! I’m usually skeptical about these types of sites, but I figure- why not?
It makes me smile to see asexuality listed- I’m hoping this is a trend that will catch on (though I’m not holding my breath…) .

I don’t like to admit to myself or others that I care what people think. I’ve read and heard how some people react in a not-so-positive way, but for the most part, I have been fortunate. The people I have “come out” to know me well enough to trust me, even if they don’t understand how it feels to be asexual.
But I cannot fathom the weight of the burden I would feel towards a partner, if that possibility existed.
Trying to find a partner is hard enough these days, having to find one who accepts me as an asexual- well, I honestly wonder if it’s worth trying. Chances are, any guy I could ever be interested in (which is already rare) would probably be sexual. Would I really want to ask him to make such a big compromise? Would I feel guilty for “leading him on”?
I dunno. I’m in a bit of a somber mood, I guess. This song probably doesn’t help, but I feel like it fits quite well with the mood I’d have, looking back at a failed relationship:

I think about how it might have been
We’d spend our days travelin’
It’s not that I don’t understand you
It’s not that I don’t want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me.

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I’ve got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I’m up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there…
Rachel Yamagata - Reason Why

Here’s the video:

I listened to a new podcast today that reminded me of an old love: beat poetry. Although I realize this particular poem has its roots in feminism (another love), I can’t help smiling at the message and how it applies to asexuals. It’s by Sarah Jones, a Tony award-winning actor, playwright and poet. Here’s her video:

For the past couple of days, I have been fighting a losing battle of Wordplay against a friend. It’s really damaging my ego, because I am quite prideful of my awesome English skills (I know, I’m so modest).
Part of the reason I keep losing, however, is because they keep sneaking words like AROUSAL and NAKED into the puzzle. For some reason, I don’t think of those words when I look at the jumbled letters. Go fig.

If you haven’t seen the game before, here’s a slightly modified screenshot:

Ok, so part of me is loathe to add yet another “coming out” post to the pile, but I think it’s worth noting that I got the opportunity to discuss asexuality with a friend late Saturday night.

I was with two friends at the time. The first friend, “J”, already knew about my asexuality- matter of fact, I often would talk to him about my recent reflections or thoughts about it. But I think it’s safe to say my second friend, “T”, was reasonably ignorant of this. J was relating how he felt attracted to other guys at the gym, and how this just couldn’t compare to the passing “aesthetic” interest he saw in the girls there.

I chimed in my understanding, though I added that his lack of attraction towards the girls was more like my lack of attraction to both sexes. I think this piqued T’s interest. He asked what I meant, and I was only too happy to oblige.

It is, for the record, the first time I have said straight-out that “I’m asexual.” Before then, I had always danced around the word. But it felt more natural now, somehow. Of course, I had to follow that up with a quick explanation, but I was surprised at how smoothly the conversation went.

What happened to my old, inarticulate self? Ah well. I hope this is a trend I can follow through on. I really want to be more active in the asexual community, so I should get used to educating others on “what it means to be A”.

Quick sidenote: Now that I’m slowly getting more comfortable with the label, I’m also discovering fun ways to “hint” around. It’s easy to sneak in my asexy perspective when friends are talking about something sexual (and that opportunity comes up a bit, depending on the group). I’m having a brain fart at the moment, but in the future, I’ll try to make a note of some real-life examples.

———-

Even quicker sidenote: I can’t help but recommend this song to any Aces and allies:

Where I Stood - Missy Higgins
I know, like all songs, that this could be interpreted differently. But it reminds me of the breakup between my asexual friend and her boyfriend- it ended because she didn’t feel like her love was enough, because it was “missing” an important piece… and I think we all know what I’m alluding to here.

It seemed convenient enough to try bringing up asexuality to my family this weekend. I had planned to go to a meet-up, and I knew they’d wonder where I was going. But I flopped. I feel awful about it, but eh- what can you do? I shouldn’t be too surprised. I’m not as good at talking as I am with writing. Add to that the fact that I decided to tell my sister late Friday night, after a concert, when her hearing and attention span was compromised. Eh well.

Telling my mom was an awkward moment indeed. I fumbled at that, especially. The best way to describe it is word vomit- you know, that moment when words spill out in no real coherent order. I tried to tell her it was a sexual orientation that didn’t want sex- I know there are better ways I could have phrased it- but all she could say, after a long pause, was “Oh, that’s ok. Not everyone likes it.”

There are worse reactions. But still, I don’t feel like my mom or sister quite understand. I can’t expect them to, really. The only reason I get it is because I experience it.

Next time, I think I’ll stick to written “outings” instead of stumbling speeches. Or I’ll take Ily’s advice, and tell ‘em to google it

So, I’m not much of an artist, but I love to pretend on Photoshop. And I got to thinking… there are some great Asexual t-shirts, cartoons, etc… but what about wallpapers? Maybe I’m just ill-informed, but I don’t really know of any asexual desktop wallpapers off-hand. 

Solution: I’ll make some of my own- and share them with you

These are just a couple comps I threw together. If you have any suggestions or recommendations, please let me know! 

For the 1024 x 768 version, Click here.
For the 800 x 600 version, Click here.

For the 1024 x 768 version, Click here.
For the 800 x 600 version, Click here.

There’s a recent article in the NY Times about a Buddhist couple who have committed to live in a celibate partnership- but never drift farther than 15 feet apart.

Although celibacy is not the same as asexuality, the reaction isn’t terribly different:

“He is a good guy and learned person, but the Bill Clinton question lingers over him,” [Lama Surya Das] said of Mr. Roach. “He is with a much younger blond bombshell. What is a deep relationship that is not sexual? It is hard to understand.”

There’s an implicit bias to every reaction like this. For many people, the idea of deep, romantic intimacy without sex is beyond belief. How can two people who love each other so deeply not engage in sexual intercourse?
I don’t understand how this man can pretend to follow the Eightfold Path (He’s a Buddhist) and still make comments like that. The choice to abstain from sexuality is worthy of respect, in my opinion. I may not empathize with the effort involved in celibacy, but I certainly understand how it feels to be marginalized by a society so obsessed with sex.